He thinks he’s cheating on his dead wife!

Dear Bunmi,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. I am 44 and he’s 47. We were both previously married for nearly 20 years. My marriage ended in divorce, his in the tragic death of his wife in a car accident.

Why I can’t completely understand his grief, I can empathise and provide support.

He’s worked hard at getting on with his life. He put away the photos before our second date, and I later moved in with him.

The third anniversary of his wife’s death is approaching, and during emotionally charged times like these, he has said he feels conflicted about me.

Although he knows his wife is gone, he can’t shake the feeling that he loves two women and that he’s betraying her. My boyfriend never says “1 love you” unless I say it first. Everything he does tells me he loves me, but how can I help him stop feeling guilty?

Joko, by e-mail.

 

Dear Joko,

It’s hard to compete with a deceased spouse because emotions run high, and there’s a tendency to sanctify lost loved ones. I’m sure she was a fine woman, but your boyfriend may be remembering only her good points, which makes her ~ an even tougher act to follow.

After three years, you might rightly think he should be ready to move on,  but the grieving process is very individualised – you can’t time it. You have to  accept that each anniversary would be emotionally charged for years to come, if not forever. Your man feels he’s betraying his wife’s memory by having a great relationship with you. This is natural. You need to be understanding and patient, but you can also be proactive. I suggest that you sit down with him and let him know it’s okay to love you and still cherish the memory of his lost wife.

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